“But now put away and rid yourselves [completely] of all these things: anger, rage, bad feeling toward others, curses and slander, and foulmouthed abuse and shameful utterances from your lips!”
Colossians 3:8
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
Mark Twain
We have all dealt with anger, but many of us don’t understand the consequences of anger.We do more damage to ourselves with anger than the person that receives our anger.It is important for us to face our anger and start discovering exactly why we are so anger.
The first step to healing is discovering we have an anger problem.During this time of discovery, we must admit that the anger is real and that we need healing.It is vital that we know the healing process will take time and energy.Each time we deal with our anger, we will feel drained.We may actually feel like giving up, but it is necessary to feel these emotions and press through.
As we discover our anger problem, we may feel ashamed and hurt by our own imperfections.This is where we need to forgive ourselves and understand that we are human.Everybody has an imperfection that they must work on.At least, we are doing something about this problem and not leaving it to fester.The longer it takes us to face the problem, the more time and energy it will take for healing.
Now, after we have admitted the problem and are ready to work on it, it is time for the second step.The second step is to figure out why we are so angry.This is not a time for just dwelling on old memories, but a time to explore and get healing from our past and present.Surprisingly, some of us may be angry because we feel our future is grim.The past, present, and future should have no hold over us, but we allow them to rule over us.
Our memories are like a photo album, so we can flip through our mental photo album and see each memory.As we look at each memory, we need to focus on our feeling when we look at the memory.Does anger or hurt feelings arise when you remember the event, or is there peace and joy?If there is anger or hurt feelings, this is one of the spots that could be causing the anger.Don’t stop at one memory.Go through and look at them all, because most of us are angry over multiple things.We need to make a list of the hot spots as we go through our memories.
“Understand [this], my beloved brethren.Let every man be quick to hear [a ready listener], slow to speak, slow to take offense and to get angry.”
James 1:19
Next, we need look at our list of anger and hurts.As we examine the hot spots, we need to ask ourselves who or what hurt us or made us angry.This is very tough, because we are still holding on to the feelings.If we feel angry during this time, we need to breathe and ask God to take the anger and hurt away.It is important to verbally say, “I forgive whatever or whoever hurt me and made me angry.”
As we allow God into the pain and give Him the freedom to heal us, we will slowly feel the anger drain from our bodies.The one thing to remember is that the feeling of anger likes to creep back into our lives, so we need to immediately forgive the person or situation as feeling arises.
This is a process that takes time.When we deal with memories, we need to deal with them one at a time, so, once we are healed from one memory, we must turn to the other memories that are keeping us in bondage.Many times, this is a cycle and can take a few months to several years, because we all feel pain and need to learn to forgive.
Forgiveness does not come naturally, so it is a learning process.Of course, there are some people who are more fluent in forgiveness, so it is less of a challenge when hurtful situations occur.For the rest of us, we have to learn forgiveness, and we need to constantly remind ourselves to forgive.After awhile, forgiveness does become easier if we are constant.We need to constantly be aware of our feelings toward people and situations, so we can make the necessary changes and forgive quickly.
“Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind).”
Ephesians 4:31
“For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Of course, we need to go back and forgive past hurts and ask God to take away our anger, but we also need to work on the daily anger that arises.When things make us angry, we need to learn techniques such as prayer, counting, and considering the consequences.These are ways we can immediately deal with anger.Anger will arise from time to time, so it is important to know how to let it go immediately or, at least, as quick as possible.
Prayer changes everything.We need to learn how to stay in contact with God continuously.As we pray, it can become a habit.Unfortunately, we usually do the opposite of prayer.We take the matter into our own hands and give into our anger.This explosion can hurt everyone around us, but it especially hurts us.
Here is a scenario that demonstrates how to pray when we are faced with a situation that leaves us angry:
A parent of a student at our child’s school walks in and starts attacking our child.They begin to berate our child and call her all sorts of names.This parent may even start cussing at our child.As this happens, first we are shocked, but then anger sets in and we are ready to attack this parent.When we feel the anger start to come over us, we need to immediately say, “God, help me act appropriate and forgive this parent.Give me the words to resolve this situation.”
At this point we have given the situation to God.Before we approach the parent, make sure we have calmed down and are ready to step in and protect our child appropriately.Right now, some parents are probably thinking I am crazy, because we should immediately step in and handle the situation.Truthfully, the above prayer takes only a few minutes.It is worth the time, because getting angry and shouting back at the parent will only make things worse.
Good sense makes a man restrain his anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression or an offense.
Proverbs 19:11
It is extremely important to restrain our anger.This isn’t just true because we need to show our children how to act, but because the Bible says we should restrain our anger.This is very difficult, but I use a technique that helps me immensely.If someone or a situation makes me angry, I count to ten.Of course, there are times when I am really, really angry, so I need to count higher.After counting, I am usually able to calmly deal with the situation.
This works well with children, too.If we teach children to count when they are angry at a young age, they will have a better control over their anger.No one is perfect and no can always control their tempers, but the more we practice the better we get.When we practice counting with our children, we have a better chance of having peace in our homes.
Here is a scenario of how to count when you are angry:
A daughter has asked her parents is she can to spend the night with a friend, but, since the parents don’t know the friend very well, they say no.At this point, their daughter becomes ballistic and starts shouting at them.They feel like yelling back at her, but that would be pointless and a very bad example.Instead of responding immediately, they turn around and walk away.As they walk to another room, they start counting.First, they count to ten, but, unfortunately, they are still irate and need to calm down more.Next, they count to twenty, then thirty, and then fifty.Finally, they feel themselves calming down.In some instances, they may reach a hundred before they are completely calm.Now, they are ready to deal with their daughter and teach her instead of hurting her by yelling back.
“When angry count to ten before you speak.If very angry, count to one hundred.”
Thomas Jefferson
As we pray and count, we need to think about the consequences of our anger.It is vital that we understand what will happen if we lose control.If we lose control of our anger, we could do something we will regret.In some cases, we will do something stupid that will get us in trouble.When angry, we don’t usually do thing we mean to do, so this would make our actions out of control.
In some cases, we can become violent and hurt someone.This person we hurt could be someone we care about.Anger is a habit that steals our joy and peace.When I am angry, I feel miserable and desperate to get relief from the anger.Unfortunately, some of us don’t use constructive ways to express our anger.Many times we express our anger through yelling, hitting, throwing objects, and slamming doors.When we behave this way, the consequences can be devastating.Many individuals lose friendships, relationships with spouses and children, or they spend time in jail.There is an experiential amount of inmates that are angry, and, due to this anger, will spend the majority of their life in jail.
Here is a scenario of how to consider the consequences before we act:
A friend came over to help Rachel decorate for a dinner party.For months, she had carefully planned and shopped for everything she needed.As Rachel excitedly showed her friend everything she had bought, her friend looked contemplative and then began to criticize her work.She actually had the nerve to call Rachel uncreative.As Rachel listened to her toxic comments, she became really hurt and angry.
How dare she come into Rachel’s house and make such comments.At this point, Rachel had to pray and start counting before you exploded.As she was praying and counting, she visualized the consequences of screaming at her.Although she is rude right now, in the past, she has been a really good friend.This is not a friendship she wanted to lose.Plus, she would feel horrible inside if she hurt her friend.
Next, she let her friend get to a stopping point and told her that she felt hurt by her words.She did this in a calm voice.She explained that she had worked really hard on preparing for this party.Rachel though it would be wise to ask her friend how she would have done the decorations differently.Even more than getting her advice, Rachel was showing her that she forgive her.When Rachel forgave her friend and truly let go of the hurt, she freed up space for joy and peace.Any grudge would only clutter her heart and mind.
“When anger arises, consider the consequences.”
Confucius
These are only three ways to help control anger.There are many more ways to help us with anger management.This week my challenge is to find where the anger is stemming from and forgive the situation or person once and for all.As we face past or present anger, we need to learn to pray, count, and think of the consequences before we act on our anger.If we learn to control our anger, we will have better relationships and more peace in our lives.Remember, it is our job to become more like Christ.He is slow to anger with us, so we need to learn how to control our anger when dealing with others.
The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy and loving-kindness.
Psalm 103:8