My Monday Map to Success

Looking Inward

"Why do you stare from without at the very small particle that is in your brother's eye but do not become aware of and consider the beam of timber that is in your own eye?

Or how can you say to your brother, Let me get the tiny particle out of your eye, when there is the beam of timber in your own eye?

You hypocrite, first get the beam of timber out of your won eye, and then you will see clearly to take the tiny particle out of your brother's eye."

Matthew 7:3-5

It is important to understand that most of us have a problem with fault finding. A lot of times, we point our finger at the faults of our family and friends, but we have faults, too. Instead of continuing our fault finding, it is important to look inward and focus our attention on fixing our imperfections. After we begin to change, people will see the change and begin to work on their own problems. We need to set the example for those around us and not just sit and complain about others.

We all need to understand the importance of looking inward and helping ourselves. There are things we need to do before we start helping others with their problems. People who help others cannot be successful without the Fruits of the Spirit. The Fruits of the Spirit enable us to lead others without judgment. This doesn't mean we have to do everything perfect, but it does mean we need to constantly work on ourselves while lending a hand to others. When a critical spirit arises, we need to once again look at our own hearts and get rid of that critical spirit immediately.

My Own Experience

This is something that I have learned, and I am still working on this lesson. Sometimes, I get frustrated with other people's imperfections. This is when I realized that I need to stop myself and focus on what I need to fix. Focusing inward will help me figure out what I need to do to reach my goals.

When I am focusing on others faults, I am not working on personal development so I can reach my goals. In these moments, I've realized that I've stopped moving forward and I'm stuck. If I don't start moving forward again, I become depressed and frustrated. For my goals and personal success, this is not a good situation.

What I realized is that I needed work on my life, so I could produce the right kind of fruit. As I looked at the way I was living, I decided to look at the fruit in my life. I found that there was a lack of the fruits of the Spirit, but I also realized that I did not understand the fruits of the Spirit. They are important to live the life that I was created to live. Without the fruits of the Spirit, I produced the fruits of the flesh.

In the last year, I have begun to study and apply the fruits of the Spirit to my life, but I have found that the fruits of the flesh and the fruits of the Spirit cannot live together in harmony. They wage war against each other, so I live in a battle zone. This battle zone is inside me, so I need to learn how to live by the Spirit and conquer the fruits of the flesh. Of course, I am not quite there yet, but I am on my way.

The fruits of the Spirit versus the fruits of the flesh

The fruits of the Spirit produce success in our lives. Unfortunately, many times, we produce the fruits of the flesh. What we need to understand is that the fruits of the flesh do not produce success. Since the fruits of flesh are the opposite of fruits of the Spirit, the fruits of the flesh breed failure.

"But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness,

Gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge].

Galatians 5:22, 23

When we look at the list of fruits above, it may seem too simplistic. Living by the fruits of the Spirit is anything but simplistic. Due to sin, it is a challenge to live by the fruits of the Spirit. What comes naturally is living by the fruits of the flesh.

What are the fruits of the flesh? They are the exact opposite of the fruits of the Spirit. Below are a list of the fruits of the Spirit and the fruits of the flesh:

Fruits of the Spirit Fruits of the flesh

Love Hate

Joy Sadness

Peace Turbulence

Patience Frustration

Kindness Rudeness

Goodness Meanness

Faithfulness Disloyalty

Gentleness Discourtesy

Self-control Chaos

 

Changing the Fruits of the flesh to the Fruits of the Spirit

"What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God."

Eleanor Roosevelt

Love

"Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride): it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong."

I Corinthians 13:4, 5

Love is important to all humans, but many of us never truly learn to give love. As I Corinthians 13: 14, 15 says, "Love is enduring, patient, kind, never envious, never jealous, never boastful or vainglorious, and is not haughty. It is also not conceited, rude, and it does not act unbecomingly. Under no circumstances does love insist on its own rights or its own way, and love is not touchy or fretful or resentful."

There are times when I look at this list and know that I've done the negative things and failed to incorporate the positive ones. It takes practice to love the way we should. Each time we love someone, we should get better at enduring, patience, and kindness and stay as far away from conceit, rudeness, and acting unbecomingly.

The last part of verse 15 is hard for most of us to understand: "…it takes no account of evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong." This just doesn't seem fair. We should be able to keep a running list of wrongs done to us. Yet, if we really want to love, we need to learn forgiveness. It is vital to our success and happiness. Forgiveness is freedom to us and the person who has offended us.

Joy

"Rejoice and exult in hope; be steadfast and patient in suffering and tribulation; be constant in prayer."

Romans 12:12

Joy isn't like happiness. Happiness comes from good things happening to us. Joy is internal and is gained by hope. Our hope is that suffering and tribulation will only last a short time. Prayer is vital to developing joy. When we are lacking joy, we need to learn how to pray constantly. This kind of prayer occurs while we work throughout your day. We need to pray while doing dishes, on the way to work, as we run errand, and as we drift off to sleep at night.

If we suffer from depression, we welcome joy when it comes. It is hard to accept joy when depressive moments make it hard to get out of bed. At these times, we need to focus on the hope that is promised in God's Word. He has given us hope for a great future, but we need to accept and receive that hope and future.

Peace

"Let him turn away from wickedness and shun it, and let him do right. Let him search for peace (harmony; undisturbedness from fears, agitating passions, and moral conflicts) and seek it eagerly. [Do not merely desire peaceful relations with God, with your fellowmen, and with yourself, but pursue, go after them!]"

I Peter 3:11

Wow, the Bible says that we are to do more than just want peace. When things are chaotic, we desire peace in our lives, but we want peace to just drop into our laps. This is not God's desire for our lives. He wants us to work on peace and instigate peace with God, others, and ourselves.

One way I pursue peace is to refrain from arguing back with someone. It may be hard, but walking away from an argument is a great way to keep peace in your life. Winning an argument may seem sweet at the time, but the way we feel after the fight drains all our peace.

Patience

"So be patient, brethren, [as you wait] till the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits expectantly for the precious harvest from the land. [See how] he keeps up his patient [vigil] over it until it receives the early and late rains."

James 5:7

Patience is the hardest thing we have to do. It is never easy to wait, but it is one of the most important things we will ever do. When we start working on a project, it will not be completed or successful overnight. Overnight successes are never successful over night. Successful people work for years on their particular talent. Famous actresses work hard and wait to become television, movie, or Broadway stars. Olympic gold medalists train for years before they get the chance to compete in the Olympics. Those who attend college cannot show up one day and get their degree the next. Anyone who wants to succeed needs to patiently work hard and never give up.

This is a lesson that I have learned. My dream is to write for a living. Although I always had the ability to write, I had to patiently wait to develop a writing career. First, I had to practice writing every day. Next, I had to write and publish my writing for free through blogs. Finally, in the near future, I will complete my book and sell it for profit. Right now, I am patiently waiting as I work on my writing, but I get better every time I finish an article, blog, or story. My dream will come true, but only because I am willing to wait.

 

Kindness

"David said to him, Fear not, for I will surely show you kindness for Jonathan your Father's sake, and will restore to you all the land of Saul your father [grandfather], and you shall eat at my table always."

II Samuel 9:7

David did not owe Mephibosheth (Saul's grandson; Jonathon's son) anything, but he decided to show kindness to Jonathon's son due to their friendship. This is a wonderful example of kindness. Yet, kindness is even more special when the person is unkind to us. Yes, we need to show our friends kindness, but we also need to show kindness to those who are mean and repulsive.

The greatest story I know is the one about Jesus. He came to earth and died for our sins. That is a kindness that is beyond comprehension. Jesus came to die for people that ridiculed Him and spat in His face. His kindness gives us the freedom we need to live purpose-filled, successful lives.

Goodness

"By means of these He has bestowed on us his precious and exceedingly great promises, so that through them you may escape [by flight] from the moral decay (rottenness and corruption) that is in the world because of covetousness (lust and greed), and become sharers (partakers) of the divine nature.

For this very reason, adding your diligence [to the divine promises], employ every effort in exercising your faith to develop virtue (excellence, resolution, Christian energy), and in [exercising] virtue [develop] knowledge (intelligence),

And in [exercising] knowledge [develop] self-control, and in [exercising] self-control [develop] steadfastness (patience, endurance), and in [exercising] steadfastness [develop] godliness (piety),

And in [exercising] godliness [develop] brotherly affection, and in [exercising] brotherly affection [develop] Christian love.

For as these qualities are yours and increasingly abound in you, they will keep [you] from being idle or unfruitful unto the [full personal] knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One)."

2 Peter 1:4-8

What does goodness mean? Goodness is exactly what it says it is in 2 Peter 1:4-8. The following are a list of principles that define goodness. Goodness is escaping from the moral decay, staying away from covetousness, and developing virtue, knowledge, self-control, steadfastness, godliness, brotherly affection, and Christian love. None of us are perfect, so God gave us this list that we can work on.

When we work on improving ourselves, we need to have this list with us. At first, we need to work on only one of the principles listed above. After we have conquered that principle, we need to start working on the next principle. Little by little, we will become good and pleasing to God

Faithfulness

"Let us therefore, receiving a kingdom that is firm and stable and cannot be shaken, offer to God pleasing service and acceptable worship, with modesty and pious care and godly fear and awe."

Hebrews 12:28

The scripture above is all about our faithfulness to God, but, when we are faithful to God, we can be faithful to our fellowman. In Hebrews 12:28, it talks about us receiving a firm and stable kingdom, which cannot be shaken. This is what we need to keep in mind when we are tempted to act unfaithfully.

This faithfulness to God means serving and worshipping Him. Prayer and meditation is a great way to learn faithfulness. Studying God's Word is another way to not only learn faithfulness, but also to show our faithfulness. Faithfulness is learned as we grow spiritually, so we need to use service, worship, prayer and meditation, and studying God's Word as a studying tool. The more we study the more faithfulness we are able to display to God and others.

Gentleness

"Finally, all [of you] should be of one and the same mind (united in spirit), sympathizing [with one another], loving [each other] as brethren [of one household], compassionate and courteous (tenderhearted and humble).

Never return evil for evil or insult for insult (scolding, tongue-lashing, berating), but on the contrary blessing [praying for their welfare, happiness, and protection, and truly pitying and loving them]. For know that to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing [from God- that you may obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection]."

I Peter 3:8, 9

Gentleness is expressed beautifully in I Peter 3:9. It says that we should pray for the welfare, happiness, and protection for our brother and sisters. We need to treat people with tenderness. When people are having problems, even if they take them out on us, we need to sympathize and not lash out at them.

When we show gentleness to others, we are working on obtaining blessings. This includes our prosperity as heirs, our welfare, happiness, and protection. Although we should be gentle with people whether we get a reward or not, it's nice to know that our efforts have a reward.

 

Self-control

"So kill (deaden, deprive of power) the evil desire lurking in your members [those animal impulses and all that is earthly in you that is employed in sin]: sexual vice, impurity, sensual appetites, unholy desires, and all greed and covetousness, for that is idolatry (the deifying of self and other created things instead of God)."

Colossians 3:5

When we think of self-control, we usually think of people who get into fist fights and get extremely violent. This isn't all that is included in self-control. Self-control also includes "…sexual vice, impurity, sensual appetites, unholy desires, and all greed and covetousness…" (Colossians 3:5). In this scripture, we learn that anything that does not please God is idolatry. We need to control ourselves when those temptations come up.

One of the problems that I need to control is over-eating. Most of my life, I have struggled to control myself around food. There are times that I can enforce self-control when I am around food, but, other times I really struggle. This has caused an ongoing weight problem, which I know is not pleasing to God. Every day, I work to get better and learn more self-control.

What is the point of this blog?

The point of this blog is to teach us the importance of working on us and not looking at everyone else's faults. This can be done by learning the fruits of the Spirit, which need to replace the fruits of the flesh. Although we were born sinners, we are now free to work on personal development that will help us through this life and into eternity.

This week's challenge is to identify the fruits of the flesh, learn the fruits of the Spirit, and work on increasing the fruits of the Spirit and decreasing the fruits of the flesh. This will cause the greatest success of all. Not only will we be able to succeed at our relationships, careers, and personal life, but we will be able to develop a relationship with God that will be an example to everyone around us.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Depression

"Drag your thoughts ways from troubles… by the ears, buy the heals, or any other way you can manage it."

Mark Twain

This blog is not written by a counselor. It is written by someone who has suffered the effects of depression. There was a time in my life that it was a treat to have a depression free day. My life was a whirl wind of emotion, and I could never see anything better. Every thought was depressive, and every word that came out of my mouth was depressive.

This life of depression was taking its toll on my relationships and my health. Every day, I suffered with a migraine and muscle pain. No one knew how to help me, and I didn't know how to help myself. Many of my friends thought I was just becoming anti-social, so they withdrew from me.

Yes, there were good days, but they were seldom. Even my daughter, Snow, suffered, because I wasn't always present. There were times where my mom, Shirley, and Aunt Ellen had to take Snow for me. This caused even more pain, because I felt guilt and shame at not taking care of Snow.

There is good news, though. In the last ten years, my depression has decreased significantly. It did not happen overnight, because depression is multifaceted. Brenton likes to use the illustration of an onion. Once I started dealing with the emotions that were on the top layer, I always found a second layer. The bottom layers are emotions that are buried due to the pain it causes.

One by one, I have dealt with these painful emotions. Even now, after all this time, I still find emotions that I need to face. Now, I am getting to the primary emotions that are the most painful. This is how I see emotional healing: first, I dealt with the less painful emotions and now they don't bother me. Next, I deal with slightly more painful emotions and they no longer bother me. This goes on and on until I finally deal with the most painful emotions. Each time I learn to deal with an emotion, I have learned enough to go on to the slightly more painful emotions.

Sometimes, I want to jump right in and deal with the primary source of my depression, but, I am not ready to deal with the pain. This primary pain is too overwhelming and could cause my depression to worsen. Plus, I have reached a level of my emotions that I thought was the primary source, but, after dealing with the depression, I realized that there were many more levels underneath.

During this process, I thought there was no end. This is not true, because I have finally reached a place where I see the end in sight. It takes time, but, eventually, I began to feel like there was nothing I couldn't handle. Now, I realize that God has given me everything I need to conquer depression. It was my decision whether I received the healing or not.

"Lord, make me an instrument of your place; where there is your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, hope; where there is darkness, light, and where there is sadness, joy."

St. Francis of Assis

There are specific steps that I take to combat depression. When I feel depressed, I get up and get dressed, refrain from splurging, and talk to a close friend. It is also important that I continuously work on my emotions by creating a gratitude journal, forgiving myself, and eat a healthy diet and exercise. The first set of activities is what I do during a time of depression, and the second set of activities is what I do when I am not depressed.

It is extremely important that I get up and get dressed no matter how I feel. The more I lounge around and sulk, the more I get depressed. If I get up, put on some nice clothes, and put on make-up, I begin to slowly feel good, again. Yes, it is really hard and it doesn't always work immediately, but, eventually, I start to pull out of my depression.

There are times where I go the extra mile and get my hair done at the salon. Just to get my hair washed and styled makes me perk up and ready for my day. If I am unable to go to a salon, I style my own hair. Either way, I feel much better after I fix myself up.

One thing that causes my depression to increase is splurging. Sometimes, I try to suppress my depression by eating or spending money. After the depression subsides, the fact that I have over eaten and spent too much money sets in, and I start feeling depressed, again. It is important that I refrain from making any major decisions, which usually ends in me making a bad decision or splurging.

When I am depressed, the most important thing I need to do is talk to a friend. The friend I talk to is the closest friend I know, and that person is Brenton. He knows exactly what to do during these times, which is to hold me close and listen. There is nothing more special than a friend who actively listens or quietly sits with you without judgment.

It is important for me to never go through depression alone. Even when I feel like hiding in my room, I push myself to spend time with others. This is not just to cheer me up, but helps make sure I don't do anything rash. This includes splurging or hurting myself in any way.

"You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your head."

Chinese Proverb

"It is the Lord who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit- depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm].

Deuteronomy 31:8

Sometime depression is a product of frustration. There are times when I feel so overwhelmed and down because of something that is not right in my life. This is when I pull out my gratitude journal and look at all the reasons I should be grateful. Like everyone else, I have suffered for various reasons, but I have also had many wonderful moments and amazing people touch my life.

A gratitude journal is very simple to make. All I do is use a journal I have bought from a store, a homemade journal that is made from a notebook, lined or unlined paper, or a computer. Right now, my gratitude journal is my computer. Writing a gratitude journal was awkward at first, but now almost all of my journal writing is gratitude. Once I realized all the things I had to thank God for, I focused on the positive events in my life instead of the negative ones.

Forgiveness is a subject that I talk about often. It is harder to forgive myself than anyone else. When I fail to forgive myself, I leave room for depression to move in and mess with my emotions. Depression has haunted me, because it is extremely hard for me to forgive me. This is where prayer and meditation is so important. If I pray and meditate every morning, I am less likely to deal with depression.

When I first started to meditate, I didn't quite understand how much it would affect my life. Prayer is talking to God, but meditation is listening. Sure, it is important to talk with God, because communication is the best way to build a relationship, but, like all relationships, meditation is even more important. It is the active listening that we use when talking with God.

"Therefore humble yourselves [demote, lower yourselves in your own estimation] under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you,

Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."

I Peter 5:6, 7

The one thing that can depress me more than anything is the way I eat and lack of exercise. If I eat right and exercise, I don't deal with depression as much. On the other hand, when I eat junk food and do not exercise, I feel sick and miserable. Of course, there were moments in my life where I actually became obsessed with diet and exercise. This caused me to feel depressed, too.

There should always be a balance. It is important for me to eat six small, healthy meals a day and exercise for an hour. If I don't get the chance to exercise for an hour, I don't beat myself up. Right now, I know my exercise program is almost nonexistent. If I can get back to my walking routine, I know I will feel so much better.

Depression is hard on anyone it attacks. There are times when I have used anti-depressants. At that time, I had no other choice, because I couldn't think on my own. Now, I am able to use the techniques in this blog to help me with my depression.

"But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, my glory, and the lifter of my head."

Psalm 3:3

At times, depression has made me feel useless. The one thing I wanted in my life was to feel like I made a difference. When I was depressed, I never felt like I did anything for anyone. This was a lie, and, now, I understand that I can pursue my purpose even when I feel depressed.

Depression will not rob me of my dreams and purpose. The purpose for my life is written down, so, when I do feel depressed and useless, I can read it and move forward in my pursuits. God knew I would deal with depression, but He gave me everything I need to succeed.

There are two truths that I have come to hold dear. They help me through depression, and they have helped decrease the amount of times I go through depression. These two truths are that I was created special and that I was created for this time. All of these truths took me a long time to learn, but they are now an essential part of my reasoning.

Many times, I did not feel like I was created special. These are the times that I just want to see the uniqueness in me. After I began to see the uniqueness in me, I started to understand that I also had to appreciate my own uniqueness. This I learned from watching my children. Each of them has a special personality that I would not change. When I realized how wonderful their uniqueness was, I decided to work on loving my own uniqueness. At this time in my life, I really understood that God had created each of us special and our uniqueness was a gift.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Psalm 139:14

Everyone was born for a specific time and place. When I am depressed, I remind myself that today is my time. As I work on my blogs, books, and seminar topics, I think about all the people that might be inspired by my message. Pursuing my purpose has decreased the frequency of my depression, so I am able to increase my productivity.

Finding my purpose was the key to controlling my depression. My purpose is written down, so, every time I feel useless, I read my purpose out loud. There are times where I have to read my purpose over and over, again. It also helps me to read my purpose statement out loud. This helps me hear myself state the purpose. After hearing my own voice say my purpose statement over and over, it became ingrained in my mind and my heart.

Depression is hard to go through, but it is not impossible. God has a plan for my life. It is important for me to understand that I can succeed, even in the midst of depression. This week's challenge is to take the necessary steps to deal with depression. Success is my goal, and depression is just a speed bump. If I can use these techniques to get through my depression, I will be able to take giant steps closer to success and teach others to be successful, too.

"Reading makes a full man, meditation makes a profound man, discourse a clear man."

Benjamin Franklin

 

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Relationships

"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all."

Eleanor Roosevelt

"And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself."

Proverbs 22:39

Relationships are necessary to develop and maintain. If we didn't have relationship, then we would be alone. Each day, we should be grateful for the family and friends we know and love, but we also need to continue to develop new relationships. Many times, we either stop creating new relationships or we neglect the relationships we have now.

We were created to socialize and grow together. When we stop socializing and growing together, we become sick emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The people that I have met who struggle with friendships are sad. The world is unfair and they grumble and complain about how bad they are treated. Every time people try to get close to them, they are pushed away by the person's bitterness. Sometimes they lash out at people and put everybody down.

These bitter people are hurt, but long for real relationships. They hurt others, because they were hurt. The problem is that they go into relationships with their hand out. Their thought is, "what can I get out of this relationship, or will this person hurt me?" If they go into a relationship with this kind of attitude, they will end up getting hurt.

No one is perfect, so sometimes we say things we shouldn't. As we enter relationships, we need to ask how we can help the other people. Our relationships should be based on the kind of love that God has for us. We break His heart all the time, but He willingly and easily forgives us. He treats us, not as naughty little children, but as His adoring children and He pours out love and tenderness. God's mercy should be proof enough that we need to love even when we've been hurt.

Successful relationships are built on trust and love. Relationships are like special birthday cakes that are made with specific ingredients. These ingredients are forgiveness, communication, encouragement, and investing in the relationship. These ingredients don't sound that hard, but many times we don't apply one or all of them to our relationships. Just like a cake, we can ruin relationships when we miss one of the ingredients.

Forgiveness is the most important ingredient in relationships. This means we need to learn how to immediately forgive when we are offended. The problem with this ingredient is that we are taught today to protect ourselves from offenses, and we are encouraged to get even with our offenders. When someone holds on to hurts, it hurts the person who won't forgive more than the person who was the offender. Revenge is never the answer.

Brenton, my wonder husband, and I decided a long time ago that forgiveness was the only way to go. When we are offended by each other, we immediately work on forgiving one another. Just in case, I tell people that I forgive him in the morning when I get up and at night before I go to bed. This doesn't mean he is a bad person. Actually, Brenton is one of the greatest men I know, but we all do things that offend people. We may not even know we have offended someone. What one person views as offensive, another may just think it is funny. This is why I forgive Brenton on a regular basis. There should be no offense that comes between us.

"And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you."

Ephesians 4:32

The next most important ingredient in relationships is communication. There are times when we think we are communicating effectively, but we are not. Effective communication creates strong bonds, but poor communication that breaks down bonds and destroys relationships. Many of us never really learn how to effectively communicate.

In communication, we need to use active listening, clearly state what we want, and don't assume anything. This will help strengthen our relationships. Relationships are directly linked to our joy. For us to truly be happy we must establish healthy relationships.

Active listening is one of the hardest techniques for us to use. We like to have conversations, but, usually, no one is listening. While the other person is talking, we are thinking of what we need to say next or what we will do this weekend. Relationships need more people listening and less people talking.

Believe me, I am someone who needs to learn listening skills. The other day, I was on the phone with a friend. When I hung up, I realized I interrupted the person several times and did most of the talking. There are very few people who actually listen to what others are saying.

This causes confusion and misunderstandings. When we fail to actively listen, we do not get all the information we need. This is one thing that parents need to realize with their children. Our children are extremely intelligent. When we do not listen to them, they can tell or ask us anything and later we don't remember. This gives the children an advantage, so we need to listen carefully to every word our children say. It also hurts the child when we don't listen to them. They begin to feel like they have nothing important to say.

For some people, active listening is quite easy, but for others it is really hard. First, we need to focus on what the person is saying. When the person takes a break from what they are saying, clarify what they have said. For example, if I have a friend who is talking to me about her sick mom, this is what a conversation would be like:

Friend: "My mom is really sick and in the hospital. I'm really worried about her. I'll probably spend most of the weekend up at the hospital."

Me: "Oh, I am sorry to hear that your mom is in the hospital. I know she'll love your company this weekend."

This not only forces me to pay attention, but it also lets my friend know that I am paying attention. If I make a statement like the one above, then she can correct any misunderstandings that occurred. Maybe she said she couldn't go to the hospital this weekend.

Active listening takes practice. As you notice above, I didn't repeat exactly what my friend said, but, instead, I paraphrased what she said. If you just repeat exactly what the person says, there is no real feeling. It sounds like a robot mimicking talking. When we talk to people, we want to bring warmth into our conversations. The only way to do this is through a lot of practice.

Another way we can practice active listening is by writing out parts of conversations we've have in the past. We don't have to write out the whole conversation, but enough that we know what the person was talking about. Next, we write a response that reflects active listening. It could be as simple as the one above, or it can be more complex.

Clearly stating what we want may sound natural, but most people don't actually say what they want. We all have our own code that we think everyone should understand. This isn't just between men and women. Women have just as much trouble understanding other women, and I have watched misunderstandings arise between men because they didn't state what they expected.

When we want something specific, we need to ask for it by giving details. For most us, details do matter, but we settle for whatever we get. Why? Most likely it is due to fear. Fear stops us from receiving what we truly want. There are times when I realize I haven't used specific words to describe what I want. This means I am given what I really don't want or only part of what I want. To ensure we receive what we want or need, we need to tell people exactly what we want and not fear their reactions. Most likely, they will appreciate us clearly stating what we want and not making them guess.

The following is an example of a conversation about ice cream. Brenton is taking the kids to the store to pick out ice cream. I'm staying home and working. Here is our conversation over ice cream:

Brenton: "Tina, what kind of ice cream do you want?"

Me: "Whatever you can find that I like."

Brenton: "Okay."

Brenton goes to the store and comes back with cookies and cream. He hands me the ice cream and leaves the room. Of course, cookies and cream is not my favorite ice cream, but he doesn't know. He assumes since he likes cookie and creams that I like it, too. Now, I am upset, because I don't have any ice cream that I like.

Let's try this again, but this time I will clearly state what I want:

Brenton: "Tina, what kind of ice cream do you want?"

Me: "Well, I really like strawberry cheesecake, but, if they don't have it, then I will take chocolate. Please, remember to bring some whip cream, nuts, and cherries."

Brenton: "Okay."

Now, Brenton not only know what type of ice cream I want, but I've given him a back up and the extras I want. There will be no confusion in this conversation, and Brenton was not upset at me for giving him specifics. Actually, Brenton prefers it when I tell him exactly what I want. This way he doesn't have to guess.

Finally, we need to never assume anything. Many people read into what others say or do, and they don't ask questions for clarification. Although they may say one thing, they may think something totally different. When my daughter, Snow, tells me she wants something, I always ask for details. If she says she wants to go out on Friday night, I ask her where, when, why, who, and how.

Now, Snow is only twelve, so I know that she has to have a chaperone to take her anywhere. She is someone who likes to go out and have fun. Many times, when she asks if she can go out, she really doesn't care who goes with her. This means, as a family, we can go have Friday fun night. Of course, there are times when she wants a specific friend to go out with and no brothers. Then Brenton and I get to decide who takes Snow or who watches the boys.

If I did not ask Snow for more details, I would assume she wanted family night out. This would greatly disappoint Snow and she would not have as much fun. Snow usually lets us know exactly what she wants, but there are times when I need to ask questions for clarification.

In business, this is just as important. An employer may give an assignment to an employee, but they never give detail on how to do it or get it done. The employer may assume the employee already knows how to do the job. This could be true, but, sometimes, employees don't know how to do a job and are too scared to ask questions. Asking questions is vital to all jobs. People lose their jobs on a regular basis, because they did not ask questions.

"Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?"

Abraham Lincoln

Every friend has times when they need extra encouragement, but we should encourage in good times and bad times. For some people, encouragement is very natural. Others struggle to give a word of encouragement. These people need to understand that we don't always have to speak the encouragement. There are times when a hug or pat on the back is all someone needs.

If I've had a hard day, Brenton always walks into the house, puts his stuff down, and gives me a hug. This helps lift my spirits, but, more than anything, it builds the trust between Brenton and me. Our relationship is strong, because we know that we can count on each other.

A card can be an encouragement to someone special. The card can express love, sympathy, friendship, or celebration. It is even more special when we create the card ourselves. If we are artistic, we can draw and create a poem that lifts someone else's spirit. Even if we aren't artistic, we can buy a pretty card with a special message on the inside.

Just listening to a friend is a great way to encourage. The active listening we talked about above is a great way to help encourage a friend. Comforting them and allowing them to talk about their feelings creates a special bond between us and our friends.

"It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it.

The value of a man resides in what he gives and not what he is capable of receiving."

Albert Einstein

Investing in relationships is important to developing our relationships, but is even more important to invest in maintaining relationships. When we invest our time and effort into our important relationships they are stronger and healthier. Relationships that aren't healthy can cause stress and frustration in our lives. People need relationships, but the wrong kind of relationships can be destructive.

The most important investment in relationships is our time. If we don't spend time with the people we care about, we lose touch and drift apart. This can mean friends and relatives. Husbands and wives are more likely to get a divorce, because they stop investing time with each other. Parents experience distant relationships with their children, because they do not spend time getting to know them as they grow older.

Next, it is important to invest effort into a relationship. When we do things for others, we grow closer to those people. If someone needs help, then it is important to help them when we can. For example, if a friend calls and they have to take their youngest child to the hospital, we need to willingly take care of her oldest child.

Of course, there are those who take advantage of us, so we need to also learn to establish boundaries. It is vital that we become close to those who respect our boundaries, and we need to put a limit on those who do not respect our boundaries. We may need to say no to friends who are constantly calling us with emergencies. Some people are unable to take responsibility for themselves, so they want others to pick up their slack.

"But love your enemies and be kind and do good [doing favors so that someone derives benefit from them] and lend, expecting and hoping for nothing in return but considering nothing as lost and despairing of no one; and then your recompense (your reward) will be great (rich, strong, reward will be great (rich, strong, intense, and abundant), and you will be sons of the Most High, for He is kind and charitable and good to the ungrateful and the selfish and wicked.

So be merciful (sympathetic, tender, responsive, and compassionate) even as your Father is [all these].

Luke 6:35, 36

There are times where we have to deal with relationships that are with people we don't necessarily like. This is a situation that can be hard to deal with, but It is not impossible. It is important to find the good in everyone and treat them with respect. If we respect them, then they could turn into our friend. They may not be close friends, but anything is better than dealing with an enemy.

Our challenge this week is to build and maintain healthy relationships. If we use these relationship ingredients, we can become fulfilled in our relationships. We are relational people, so it is necessary for us to work on learning about relationships. Most of us aren't born understanding how to relate to others, but, as we grow and mature, we learn how relationships work.

"You are My friends if you keep on doing the things which I command you to do."

John 15:14

Procrastination

"Know the value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness, no laziness, no procrastination: never put off tomorrow what you can do today."

Lord Chesterfield

"The appetite of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the appetite of the diligent is abundantly supplied."

Proverbs 13:4

In my life, I have procrastinated more times than I want to admit. There are projects that are very important to me, but I put them off until it's almost too late. Many times I compromise my own dreams, because I have left them until the last minute.

Okay, this is the reason I am writing about procrastination. This week I planned to write on a different subject, but I was having a problem. Every day, I needed to write, but I just had a really hard time getting started. Suddenly, I knew my topic for this week was procrastination, because I needed to learn more about the subject. My procrastination had to stop, so I could write this week's blog and post by Friday.

For me to defeat procrastination, I had to figure out why I procrastinate, why I need to stop procrastinating, and how I can refrain from procrastinating again. If I could figure this out, then, I could not only stop procrastinating myself, but also help others stop procrastinating. This is not just a problem for me. Many people I know procrastinate, so they end up doing things at the last minute. We all know this means many of our projects are done hurriedly, so our projects are mediocre. My purpose in life is to help others with problems they have, so they can become successful.

"And He said to another, Become My disciple, side with My party, and accompany Me! But he relied, Lord, permit me first to go and bury (await the death of) my father.

But Jesus said to him, Allow the dead to bury their own; but as for you, go and publish abroad throughout all regions the kingdom of God.

Another also said, I will follow you, Lord, with Your party; but let me first say good-bye to those at my home.

Jesus said to him, No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back [to the things behind] is fit for the kingdom of God."

Luke 9:59-62

It was important to figure out why I procrastinate. What I figured out was, for me, I had so many fears. Fear is what makes me procrastinate. There are times when I want to complete an important project, but fear takes over and I end up waiting and, sometimes, never completing the project. Fortunately, this is becoming less and less, and, for my blog, I started writing as soon as I realized I was procrastinating.

Fear is probably the biggest dream killer. For me, it is disguised in different forms. First, it comes to me in the form of failure. If I try something that may seems difficult or important to me, I may screw it up and fail. What I have come to understand is that failure is part of the growing process. For me to succeed, I have to endure some failure.

Second, fear attacks me in the form of perfectionism. Perfectionism is misunderstood. Many people believe that all perfectionists are people who work until they get it right and are high achievers. This is not the case for all perfectionists. Sometimes, I stop working on projects, because I don't think I'm doing a good enough job. All I can think about is how horrible I would feel if I failed. The thought of how bad people would view me flashes through my mind.

Third, I created a busy life, so I didn't have to deal with what really scares me. In an attempt to not feel fear, I filled my life with busy work. What is busy work? Busy work is small unimportant jobs that can be done by almost anyone and are not important to our success. This includes little jobs that friends ask you to do, but they only interfere with the important projects that will propel you toward success.

Fourth, fear actually attacks my body. Many times I obsess over whether I am going to succeed or not and actually make myself sick. Fear is a disease that makes my body ache, my head throb, and depression to take over my whole outlook in life. Good thing I found a solution to controlling my deepest fears instead of fears controlling me.

"Look carefully then how you walk! Live purposefully and worthily and accurately, not as the unwise and witless, but as wise (sensible, intelligent people),

Making the very most of the time [buying up each opportunity], because the days are evil.

Therefore do not be vague and thoughtless and foolish, but understanding and firmly grasping what the will of the Lord is."

Ephesians 5:15-17

For me to live purposefully, I must conquer procrastination. This means I need to leave fear in the dust and push through difficult situations. Ephesians 5:15-17 says it well: "…Live purposefully and worthily and accurately…" In verse 16, we are told to make the most of our time, and we need to buy up each opportunity. There are many opportunities that I failed to take, so, now, I must reap the consequences of my foolishness. Not taking opportunities that come to me is foolishness.

When we take opportunities and push through tough times, we are more likely to get past the difficult moments, learn a valuable lesson, and gain the confidence to push through the next difficult task. This reminds me of a lesson that I learned in high school. One day, I was getting my things ready to go home. If my memory serves me correctly, this revelation occurred my junior year. It was the last day of the year and everybody was excited about summer vacation.

As I got all my stuff and headed home, I realized that when I started my freshman year, I was petrified and didn't know if I could make it through, and, due to procrastination, I did receive some low grades. My sophomore year, I felt a little better about starting the school year and I procrastinated less and less. Of course, by the time my junior year started, I was even more confident that I would succeed, because I knew more about diligence and hard work. As I thought about how scared I felt going into each grade, I realized that by the end of the year I had pushed through and worked on the difficult subjects. Even hard subjects were passed, because I never gave up and learned to get my assignments started early and done and turned in on time.

Each year, I got better and better grades. This was because I learned from one tough subject to the next how to pass my classes. In reality, I am an exceptional student, but I allowed fear and procrastination stop me. When I got into college, I realized that it was even more dangerous to procrastinate. College wasn't a requirement, so they didn't have to put up with me. Now, I am in graduate school and take each class knowing all it will take is hard work and determination.

"My evil genius procrastination has whispered me to tarry 'til a more convenient season."

Mary Todd Lincoln

Today, I am glad to say that I tackle procrastination and get rid of it at the beginning of the project. Well, except for this week. Now, at this point in my own personal development, I realize that there are multiple reasons I need to learn how to avoid procrastination. These reasons are to succeed at any project that is important to me, to have more confidence, and to increase my ability to handle bigger projects.

When I started blogging, I understood that it was important for me to get my blogs done every week. This success is important to me. My dream is to write inspirational blogs and stories. If I procrastinate, I am less likely to post on time. Plus, these blogs motivate me to write other stories and books. At this point, I am not only writing a blog on a weekly basis, but I am also working on a success book and seminar presentation.

On March 31, Brenton and I will conduct our first success seminar. This means that we have to prepare material, so we can teach others to have confidence in success. Procrastination is the one thing that can hurt our presentation. It can either keep us from going through with the seminar or it can stop us from giving a quality presentation. This is true for any big project I take on. At one time in my life, procrastination would have killed my opportunities, but I am now capable of working through the fear and pushing myself to finish each project.

It goes without saying that as I complete important projects, my confidence increases. This is a huge step for me. In the past I had no confidence to work on important projects. My desire is to confidently succeed at my purpose, which is to teach others the lessons that I've learned. Once I realized this week that I was procrastinating and why, I began to tackle the issue and make a plan to stop procrastinating.

When I procrastinate, my confidence decreases, anxiety creeps in, and, sometimes, depression gets me down. Depression is a sign to me that something is wrong and needs my attention. This week it was my procrastination. In the last year, I've learned is that it's okay to have a difficult week, because, through the difficulty, I have the opportunity to learn valuable lessons. Of course, the first thing I think about is teaching these lessons to others. As soon as I think this way, my depression disappears and my confidence increases, again.

Finally, I need to stop procrastination, because I want to increase the ability to complete even more difficult projects. For example, when my children go to school, they have to work on the subjects for their grade level. Each year they increase their grade level and the level of difficulty, because, as they get to the end of the year, that grade level has become easier. Our projects should be viewed the same way. When we get in and work on a project that is difficult, it gets easier and easier until we are ready to tackle an even more difficult project.

Here is the problem, when I procrastinate, I don't learn from the project. This means I am not ready for the next difficult project. My life becomes complacent and boring, so my stale life can once again lead to depression. To make sure my life is not stale and depressing; I need to make sure procrastination is not a part of my life.

"[It is then] my counsel and my opinion in this matter that I give [you when I say]: It is profitable and fitting for you [now to complete the enterprise] which more than a year ago you not only began, but were the first to wish to do anything [about contributions for the relief of the saints at Jerusalem].

So now finish doing it, that your [enthusiastic] readiness in desiring it may be equaled by your completion of it according to your ability and means."

II Corinthians 8:10, 11

At this point in the week, I have taken the next phase of procrastination. This phase is learning to refrain from procrastination. There are several techniques that I have used to minimize procrastination. These techniques are pretty simple, but I needed to learn to use them consistently. The techniques I use are taking big projects and breaking them down, turn-off all distractions, schedule your day, make a commitment to complete what I start, and do the hardest thing first.

The best way for me to deal with complex projects is by breaking them down. For instance, I had an idea for a book on success. This seemed like a huge undertaking, but I broke down the book subjects into blogs. These blogs I post each week, but, while I'm writing the current blog, I compile the old blog topics into one book. Sure, this means I have to change the blog a little, because the blog has to fit into a book format. All the work is worth the end product, which are weekly blogs and a published book.

All projects can be broken down into smaller jobs. In my college classes, I always seriously adhere to the syllabus. The syllabus breaks down the class into smaller projects. As I read over the syllabus, I focus on each individual assignment and not on the class as a whole. When I do this, I am less likely to procrastinate, because the smaller assignment doesn't seem as difficult. Also, most of the beginning assignments are easier and prepare students for the last difficult assignment.

Turning off distractions isn't always easy. Sure, in theory, I just turn off the television and cell phones and we're good. Well, I know this is not the only distraction that I will face. There is my spouse, children, friends that drop by unannounced, and neighbors having a loud party. These are just a few distractions that can interfere with important projects. Many times, these distractions just become my excuse for procrastination. If I eliminate these distractions, then I have no excuse to procrastinate and delay any completion of my project.

Brenton and I know people who either make distractions their excuse or they create the distractions themselves. This I know something about, because, like I said before, I have suffered from procrastination most of my life. When I am procrastinating due to distractions, I always check to see if I caused the distraction. It is important for me to acknowledge what caused my procrastination and to immediately start working on the project.

An example of causing a distraction to get out of work is a child who continues to break their pencil. This is just a way the child is procrastinating where their homework is concerned, because they keep breaking their pencil and need to get up every few seconds to use the pencil sharpener. One problem with this habit is that they usually end up missing out on play time. Usually, if they miss out on play time long enough, they will eventually realize all they have to do is complete their homework without distraction to play.

For several years, I have worked on planning, which also includes scheduling. Most of planning I understand and easily put into practice. Scheduling is not as easy, and I have struggled to schedule whole days. In my attempt to schedule, I am able to take my projects and schedule when I do each part. This way I know exactly when to work on the project, which makes it harder for me to procrastinate.

Scheduling is easier when done weekly. This way I can look at the full week each day. What is great about scheduling is that it also takes care of distractions, too. When I write down each part of the project, I make sure everyone knows that I am working at that time. This helps them to stay away and let me work. It is also a good idea for me to turn off the phone, so I am not tempted to pick it up. It is important to let friends know when I am working, so they are not tempted to interrupt. If I schedule projects, I can also take myself out of a distracting environment. There are other places that I can work. For example, go to a quiet library or to a coffee shop with Wi-Fi.

Many times, I start projects, but quit them before they are finished. Completing my projects, like this blog, is important to my success. This is why I'm making a commitment to complete each project I start. This also includes creating a contract of completion. A contract keeps me from procrastinating too much. There are times I still procrastinate, but I am getting better every time I complete a project. Maybe someday, I will never procrastinate. That is a goal worth working toward.

One project that I started and completed is my bachelor's degree. My senior year was taking forever to complete. Sometimes, I would continuously put off taking classes (procrastination). Finally, I made a commitment to complete my senior year and actually graduate. This commitment was what I needed to succeed. A year and a half after I made my commitment, I graduated from college. Every time I was tempted to procrastinate, I would look at my commitment and push through the tough classes (math).

Although there are times that it's easier to start with the easiest part of the project. In some projects, it is best to start with the hardest part. When I clean my home, I always start with the kitchen, because it is the filthiest part of my home. This is a lesson that I now apply to jobs that are extremely hard and tedious.

Sometimes, when I get the hardest task out of the way, I am ready to tackle even more tasks. It gives me the boost I need to accomplish the rest of the project. The confidence I receive from completing these tasks makes me want to work even harder. This means the next time I am ready to start a difficult project, I am less likely to hesitate and more likely to jump in with both feet.

This week's challenge is to take the step necessary to stop procrastination. Remember, the benefits of diligently working on a project are higher than quitting because a project gets too hard. The confidence and satisfaction of a tough project completed is worth the difficult moments. Conquering fear and completing projects is the most important step to success, so I promise to never give into procrastination and make completing difficult projects a habit in my life.

"Putting off an easy thing makes it hard, putting off a hard thing makes it impossible."

George Claude Lorimer