"We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all."
Eleanor Roosevelt
"And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself."
Proverbs 22:39
Relationships are necessary to develop and maintain. If we didn't have relationship, then we would be alone. Each day, we should be grateful for the family and friends we know and love, but we also need to continue to develop new relationships. Many times, we either stop creating new relationships or we neglect the relationships we have now.
We were created to socialize and grow together. When we stop socializing and growing together, we become sick emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The people that I have met who struggle with friendships are sad. The world is unfair and they grumble and complain about how bad they are treated. Every time people try to get close to them, they are pushed away by the person's bitterness. Sometimes they lash out at people and put everybody down.
These bitter people are hurt, but long for real relationships. They hurt others, because they were hurt. The problem is that they go into relationships with their hand out. Their thought is, "what can I get out of this relationship, or will this person hurt me?" If they go into a relationship with this kind of attitude, they will end up getting hurt.
No one is perfect, so sometimes we say things we shouldn't. As we enter relationships, we need to ask how we can help the other people. Our relationships should be based on the kind of love that God has for us. We break His heart all the time, but He willingly and easily forgives us. He treats us, not as naughty little children, but as His adoring children and He pours out love and tenderness. God's mercy should be proof enough that we need to love even when we've been hurt.
Successful relationships are built on trust and love. Relationships are like special birthday cakes that are made with specific ingredients. These ingredients are forgiveness, communication, encouragement, and investing in the relationship. These ingredients don't sound that hard, but many times we don't apply one or all of them to our relationships. Just like a cake, we can ruin relationships when we miss one of the ingredients.
Forgiveness is the most important ingredient in relationships. This means we need to learn how to immediately forgive when we are offended. The problem with this ingredient is that we are taught today to protect ourselves from offenses, and we are encouraged to get even with our offenders. When someone holds on to hurts, it hurts the person who won't forgive more than the person who was the offender. Revenge is never the answer.
Brenton, my wonder husband, and I decided a long time ago that forgiveness was the only way to go. When we are offended by each other, we immediately work on forgiving one another. Just in case, I tell people that I forgive him in the morning when I get up and at night before I go to bed. This doesn't mean he is a bad person. Actually, Brenton is one of the greatest men I know, but we all do things that offend people. We may not even know we have offended someone. What one person views as offensive, another may just think it is funny. This is why I forgive Brenton on a regular basis. There should be no offense that comes between us.
"And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you."
Ephesians 4:32
The next most important ingredient in relationships is communication. There are times when we think we are communicating effectively, but we are not. Effective communication creates strong bonds, but poor communication that breaks down bonds and destroys relationships. Many of us never really learn how to effectively communicate.
In communication, we need to use active listening, clearly state what we want, and don't assume anything. This will help strengthen our relationships. Relationships are directly linked to our joy. For us to truly be happy we must establish healthy relationships.
Active listening is one of the hardest techniques for us to use. We like to have conversations, but, usually, no one is listening. While the other person is talking, we are thinking of what we need to say next or what we will do this weekend. Relationships need more people listening and less people talking.
Believe me, I am someone who needs to learn listening skills. The other day, I was on the phone with a friend. When I hung up, I realized I interrupted the person several times and did most of the talking. There are very few people who actually listen to what others are saying.
This causes confusion and misunderstandings. When we fail to actively listen, we do not get all the information we need. This is one thing that parents need to realize with their children. Our children are extremely intelligent. When we do not listen to them, they can tell or ask us anything and later we don't remember. This gives the children an advantage, so we need to listen carefully to every word our children say. It also hurts the child when we don't listen to them. They begin to feel like they have nothing important to say.
For some people, active listening is quite easy, but for others it is really hard. First, we need to focus on what the person is saying. When the person takes a break from what they are saying, clarify what they have said. For example, if I have a friend who is talking to me about her sick mom, this is what a conversation would be like:
Friend: "My mom is really sick and in the hospital. I'm really worried about her. I'll probably spend most of the weekend up at the hospital."
Me: "Oh, I am sorry to hear that your mom is in the hospital. I know she'll love your company this weekend."
This not only forces me to pay attention, but it also lets my friend know that I am paying attention. If I make a statement like the one above, then she can correct any misunderstandings that occurred. Maybe she said she couldn't go to the hospital this weekend.
Active listening takes practice. As you notice above, I didn't repeat exactly what my friend said, but, instead, I paraphrased what she said. If you just repeat exactly what the person says, there is no real feeling. It sounds like a robot mimicking talking. When we talk to people, we want to bring warmth into our conversations. The only way to do this is through a lot of practice.
Another way we can practice active listening is by writing out parts of conversations we've have in the past. We don't have to write out the whole conversation, but enough that we know what the person was talking about. Next, we write a response that reflects active listening. It could be as simple as the one above, or it can be more complex.
Clearly stating what we want may sound natural, but most people don't actually say what they want. We all have our own code that we think everyone should understand. This isn't just between men and women. Women have just as much trouble understanding other women, and I have watched misunderstandings arise between men because they didn't state what they expected.
When we want something specific, we need to ask for it by giving details. For most us, details do matter, but we settle for whatever we get. Why? Most likely it is due to fear. Fear stops us from receiving what we truly want. There are times when I realize I haven't used specific words to describe what I want. This means I am given what I really don't want or only part of what I want. To ensure we receive what we want or need, we need to tell people exactly what we want and not fear their reactions. Most likely, they will appreciate us clearly stating what we want and not making them guess.
The following is an example of a conversation about ice cream. Brenton is taking the kids to the store to pick out ice cream. I'm staying home and working. Here is our conversation over ice cream:
Brenton: "Tina, what kind of ice cream do you want?"
Me: "Whatever you can find that I like."
Brenton: "Okay."
Brenton goes to the store and comes back with cookies and cream. He hands me the ice cream and leaves the room. Of course, cookies and cream is not my favorite ice cream, but he doesn't know. He assumes since he likes cookie and creams that I like it, too. Now, I am upset, because I don't have any ice cream that I like.
Let's try this again, but this time I will clearly state what I want:
Brenton: "Tina, what kind of ice cream do you want?"
Me: "Well, I really like strawberry cheesecake, but, if they don't have it, then I will take chocolate. Please, remember to bring some whip cream, nuts, and cherries."
Brenton: "Okay."
Now, Brenton not only know what type of ice cream I want, but I've given him a back up and the extras I want. There will be no confusion in this conversation, and Brenton was not upset at me for giving him specifics. Actually, Brenton prefers it when I tell him exactly what I want. This way he doesn't have to guess.
Finally, we need to never assume anything. Many people read into what others say or do, and they don't ask questions for clarification. Although they may say one thing, they may think something totally different. When my daughter, Snow, tells me she wants something, I always ask for details. If she says she wants to go out on Friday night, I ask her where, when, why, who, and how.
Now, Snow is only twelve, so I know that she has to have a chaperone to take her anywhere. She is someone who likes to go out and have fun. Many times, when she asks if she can go out, she really doesn't care who goes with her. This means, as a family, we can go have Friday fun night. Of course, there are times when she wants a specific friend to go out with and no brothers. Then Brenton and I get to decide who takes Snow or who watches the boys.
If I did not ask Snow for more details, I would assume she wanted family night out. This would greatly disappoint Snow and she would not have as much fun. Snow usually lets us know exactly what she wants, but there are times when I need to ask questions for clarification.
In business, this is just as important. An employer may give an assignment to an employee, but they never give detail on how to do it or get it done. The employer may assume the employee already knows how to do the job. This could be true, but, sometimes, employees don't know how to do a job and are too scared to ask questions. Asking questions is vital to all jobs. People lose their jobs on a regular basis, because they did not ask questions.
"Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?"
Abraham Lincoln
Every friend has times when they need extra encouragement, but we should encourage in good times and bad times. For some people, encouragement is very natural. Others struggle to give a word of encouragement. These people need to understand that we don't always have to speak the encouragement. There are times when a hug or pat on the back is all someone needs.
If I've had a hard day, Brenton always walks into the house, puts his stuff down, and gives me a hug. This helps lift my spirits, but, more than anything, it builds the trust between Brenton and me. Our relationship is strong, because we know that we can count on each other.
A card can be an encouragement to someone special. The card can express love, sympathy, friendship, or celebration. It is even more special when we create the card ourselves. If we are artistic, we can draw and create a poem that lifts someone else's spirit. Even if we aren't artistic, we can buy a pretty card with a special message on the inside.
Just listening to a friend is a great way to encourage. The active listening we talked about above is a great way to help encourage a friend. Comforting them and allowing them to talk about their feelings creates a special bond between us and our friends.
"It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it.
The value of a man resides in what he gives and not what he is capable of receiving."
Albert Einstein
Investing in relationships is important to developing our relationships, but is even more important to invest in maintaining relationships. When we invest our time and effort into our important relationships they are stronger and healthier. Relationships that aren't healthy can cause stress and frustration in our lives. People need relationships, but the wrong kind of relationships can be destructive.
The most important investment in relationships is our time. If we don't spend time with the people we care about, we lose touch and drift apart. This can mean friends and relatives. Husbands and wives are more likely to get a divorce, because they stop investing time with each other. Parents experience distant relationships with their children, because they do not spend time getting to know them as they grow older.
Next, it is important to invest effort into a relationship. When we do things for others, we grow closer to those people. If someone needs help, then it is important to help them when we can. For example, if a friend calls and they have to take their youngest child to the hospital, we need to willingly take care of her oldest child.
Of course, there are those who take advantage of us, so we need to also learn to establish boundaries. It is vital that we become close to those who respect our boundaries, and we need to put a limit on those who do not respect our boundaries. We may need to say no to friends who are constantly calling us with emergencies. Some people are unable to take responsibility for themselves, so they want others to pick up their slack.
"But love your enemies and be kind and do good [doing favors so that someone derives benefit from them] and lend, expecting and hoping for nothing in return but considering nothing as lost and despairing of no one; and then your recompense (your reward) will be great (rich, strong, reward will be great (rich, strong, intense, and abundant), and you will be sons of the Most High, for He is kind and charitable and good to the ungrateful and the selfish and wicked.
So be merciful (sympathetic, tender, responsive, and compassionate) even as your Father is [all these].
Luke 6:35, 36
There are times where we have to deal with relationships that are with people we don't necessarily like. This is a situation that can be hard to deal with, but It is not impossible. It is important to find the good in everyone and treat them with respect. If we respect them, then they could turn into our friend. They may not be close friends, but anything is better than dealing with an enemy.
Our challenge this week is to build and maintain healthy relationships. If we use these relationship ingredients, we can become fulfilled in our relationships. We are relational people, so it is necessary for us to work on learning about relationships. Most of us aren't born understanding how to relate to others, but, as we grow and mature, we learn how relationships work.
"You are My friends if you keep on doing the things which I command you to do."
John 15:14